jenna

i'm doing an internship at ozark guidance in springdale in their inpatient children's unit. most of the doors leading outside are magnetic and only the staff have a key card to open them, but today the doors stopped working for a little while. there is a little girl who came in about a week ago who has been severely neglected. her mother fed her baby food until she was five years old and when dhs got her she couldn't eat solid food because her digestive tract and her muscles were so underdeveloped. she has reactive attachment disorder as well as post-traumatic stress syndrome. jenna*, this little girl, is now eight years old and weighs 48 lbs. she is so small and her life has been so hard.
when the doors weren't working today she made a run for it, but was caught at the last second. she was immediately put on elopement precautions. she was already scared and upset from being grabbed as she was reaching for the door, and when she was told she'd have to give up her shoes for the rest of the day and wear booties it put her over the edge. she started to scream and hitting the walls and herself. to keep her from hurting herself even more she had to be restrained. since she is so small one person could hold her in a chair with her arms down. i was in my office as all this happened. i sat trying to type progress reports for my kids and i could hear jenna screaming. it's strange to hear the high voice of child yell obscenities and racial slurs. she never cried, she is so angry.
there is only one who restores, only one who can make whole. jenna is broken, she's been hurt and abused, she's been neglected and starved. who will tell her it will be ok, she'll get better, there are people she can trust, who will love her and protect her. there is a father who's heart breaks for her.
she isn't in my group of kids, i never meet with her, not that i am allowed to tell her about jesus. i pray for her. let her foster family love the lord. i love my job, but it sucks sometimes.


*name changed for confidentiality

HOLY SONNET X

Death, be not proud, though some have called thee
Mighty and dreadful, for thou art not so ;
For those, whom thou think'st thou dost overthrow,
Die not, poor Death, nor yet canst thou kill me.
From rest and sleep, which but thy picture[s] be,
Much pleasure, then from thee much more must flow,
And soonest our best men with thee do go,
Rest of their bones, and soul's delivery.
Thou'rt slave to Fate, chance, kings, and desperate men,
And dost with poison, war, and sickness dwell,
And poppy, or charms can make us sleep as well,
And better than thy stroke ; why swell'st thou then ?
One short sleep past, we wake eternally,
And Death shall be no more ; Death, thou shalt die.

John Donne

malakai continued

my nephew....

yes, he was born with a fauxhawk.

6lbs 11oz, he's a little guy.

he loves me.

he had a little jaundice so we had to set him in the sun every day, which was so cute.

Malakai Andrew Dangers

after an exhausting trip home from india on friday my only sister, who lives in colorado springs went into labor with her first baby. so saturday morning i climbed in the backseat of my parents car and we fought our way through the ice and snow for about 15 hours to see my sister and precious little nephew. it has been hard to be away from home when i'm so tired and to be away from stpehen when i'm trying to process through my trip, but worth it to see my nephew and sister. i'm flying home tomorrow, (praise God for cheap flights at the last minute!) and really looking forward to seeing my friends. i just thought i'd post one picture for now, more are sure to come later. this is malakai andrew dangers just after he was born on saturday morning.

check out his hair!

behild the facade

do you ever have that feeling that you've learned nothing and everything at the same time? i don't you if you do, since i might be experiencing it for the first time. i've been amazed on this trip at how nothing has been like i planned, and i feel like i haven't learned anything and had my world torn apart like i did last time i was in india, but this morning we had a really good time of journaling and prayer and i realized i have learned quite a bit, it just wasn't what i was expecting to go home with.

1. i don't know that i'll be back to calcutta like i did last time i was here. it was almost a year and half ago that i left and God had been clear that i'd be back, i assumed that meant long term. but now i'm not sure. i still want to be about justice and freedom for the poor and oppressed but as my time here ends i'm realizing that i don't have that pull on my spirit saying you're coming back.
2. i don't like indian food. i didn't like it last time i was here. i don't know why i thought that i did.
3. i am fairly outspoken about people's need to live simply, i believe that poverty is strongly related to an unequal distribution of resources, but i want to live simply in the united states, where i have hot water and no parasites, and chick-fil-a and flying burrito (mmmm). i don't' want to sell all my possessions and give them to the poor if that would make me poor. i am brutally selfish.
4. i want to help the poor but get glory for myself (ouch, but true). i want my husband to go to a prestigious law school and i'll get my masters in human trafficking so we can help poor people with our lofty degrees and special training, as God if couldn't help them without us.

these things are grossly true deep inside of me, and i want to get the hell out of india so i can stop thinking about them and go back to my comfortable bug less apartment and eat popcorn. so felt that i should confess all my crap to you, so that i don't hide it. after all, i can't lay down my selfish desires and die to them while i'm struggling to keep up the facade that they don't exist.

in case you don't know....

Stephen and I are spending our Christmas break in Kolkata, India working in Kalighat, home for the dying, and in Daya Don, home for handicapped orphans. We are also trying to learn patience as we get to know people who live on the streets and provide for them as best we know how. A much more detailed account of our trip can be found on our India blog, feel free to visit it at http://compstonsinindia.blogspot.com/ we post every day or two about what's going on and how you can pray for us.

tis the season.....

i love the holiday season, thanksgiving to christmas is one of my favorite times of year. our time with our family over thanksgiving was fabulous. two of stephen's brothers were in town and my pregnant sister and her husband are still here because the weather between here and colorado is so bad, for once i'm glad about poor road conditions. we were so busy "relaxing with family" that i almost feel like i didn't get a break. we were constantly back and forth between my parents house and the compston's house. don't get me wrong, it was wonderful to see our family, i'm just still tired. autum and josiah, my sister and brother-in-law, came to our apartment tonight to bring us coffee while we did homework and to say bye, even though i think the weather will keep them here another day. they are great, we are so blessed to have a family that really love and support us.

and we're off......

today we bought our tickets to india. it was such a great feeling to see that page come up that said stephen and i would leave LA on december 11, and return on january 11. we weren't planning on being gone that long but today we realized that the flights we were going to take are booked and the others were filling up fast. so we went ahead and bought them. i get butterflies every time i think about sharing the things from india that i love with my husband.

oh happy (tues)day!

first of all, does anyone actually read my blog? i was moved to action after a moving post by gennie about genuine blogging and now i find that i get no feedback and i wonder....did i abandon my pitiful little blog for so long that now there is no one left to read it?
second, and much more important, let me tell you about an exciting 36 hours of my life starting with last tuesday.
3:30pm: i was on campus after my last class and stephen and i were talking about how stressed i was. i have had more homework this semester than ever have before, and on top of that we're trying to raise money and plan this trip to bangladesh and india. stephen was ever hopeful and encouraged me that we will survive this semester and God is big enough to take care of our trip. so i walk home wondering if God really wants us to go or if we've mistaken our excitement for God's voice.
4:38pm: oprah is not very entertaining and i can't stop thinking about how little time i have to devote to fundraising and how soon we need the money to go.
4:41pm: i remember that i ordered a few bumper stickers online since i've decided that i want to become a crazy bumper sticker lady and i go down to check the mail to see if they've come. i return to our apartment and start going through the mail. junk mail, junk mail, then, three strange hand written letters. i open the first one, it's an encouraging note from someone we hardly know and a check for $40. praise Jesus. i open the second one, it's a note from a friend saying that she and her parents were really encouraged by what we are doing and wanted to help, a check for $400. praise Jesus! at this point i start to cry and call stephen, who is in class and leave him a weepy message to call me back. i sit in my floor and crying a praying, thanking God for his faithfulness. i finally dry up enough to open the third note, from my grandma, inside there is just a post-it that says "hope this helps" and a check for $400. PRAISE JESUS! the crying resumes and stephen comes home.
9:46pm wednesday: i've had a wonderful day thinking about how great the God i serve is, and i'm exhausted as usual. a few friends call stephen and tell him they have something they need to tell him. we figure it is girl problems and they are coming to the married man for advise. they get to out apartment and tell us that they have a little money and feel like they are supposed to give it to us, they hand it over and leave. we count it and low and behold it is a few dollars shy of $600! can i get a praise Jesus!

i don't even know how to express the thankfulness that we have for all that God has provided. we don't have all the money that we need, but we have reason to believe that God wants us to go and he's pretty faithful to provide.

i love my husband.

the celebration of suffering

as i've been sitting in my apartment trying not to distract stephen too much while he studies i've been thinking about how much suffering is in the world, and how sometimes i get so worked up and angry about it that i need to tell someone how i feel, then a thought came to me......isn't this just what my long lost blog is good for?
last night i had the honor of hearing Paul Rusesabagina speak about his experience in Rwanda and how he feels that darfur is escalating to the same need for assistance that Rwanda was in the early 90's. this morning at work i was reading the paper and somewhere around page four or five there was an update on darfur. it said that the UN is considering sending troops to support the understaffed African peacekeeping force and to try and get Sudan to sign a peacekeeping agreement; which the UN acknowledges has a slim chance of working since Sudan has told them they don't want to make a peace agreement. call me crazy but it seems to me that this line of thinking hasn't worked that well in the past, why do we keep relying on it?

"this is the twentieth century, not the middle ages. who would allow such crimes to be committed? how could the world remain silent? i have tried to keep memory alive, i have tried to fight those who would forget. because if we forget, we are guilty, we are accomplices. i swore never to be silent whenever and wherever human beings endure suffering and humiliation. we must take sides. neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. silence encourages the tormenter, never the tormented. sometimes we must interfere. when human lives are endangered, when human dignity is in jeopardy, national borders and sensitivities become irrelevant. wherever men and women are persecuted because of their race, religion, or political views, that place must- at that moment- become the center of the universe." -Elie Wiesel

Darfur has been embroiled in a deadly conflict for over three years. At least 400,000 people have been killed; more than 2 million innocent civilians have been forced to flee their homes and now live in displaced-persons camps in Sudan or in refugee camps in neighboring Chad; and more than 3.5 million men, women, and children are completely reliant on international aid for survival. Not since the Rwandan genocide of 1994 has the world seen such a calculated campaign of displacement, starvation, rape, and mass slaughter.

"how much worse punishment, do you think, will be deserved by one who has spurned the Son of God, and has profaned the blood of the covenant by which he was sanctified, and has outraged the Spirit of grace? for we know the one who said 'vengeance is mine; i will repay'. and again, 'the Lord will judge his people.' it is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the Living God." - hebrews 10.29-31

this verse calms my anger that God is not idle, he is outraged my what has happened and what continues to happen all around the world. but it strikes fear into my own heart, as a believer i am God's plan to alleviate suffering in the world. how am i not joining with the oppressor when i hear that 400,000 people have died and do nothing, it doesn't affect my day in the least. it is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the Living God.

let this affect us, let is ruin our days, and break our hearts. join in the suffering of the millions of men and women of darfur. let their pain leak into our lives. "if we don't have courage we will do whatever we can to run from or alleviate our own pain. excessive entertainment, shopping, food, drugs, alcohol, sex, and even manic exercise are common opiates of our society. i, too, have tried to escape. but in the end, i have (mostly) turned around, looked suffering in the eye and stared it down. this is when the evil part of suffering loses it's power and becomes redemptive. but suffering is only redemptive when love is there." -The Cry, WMF

so, if you've made it this far, all the way to the end of this post, don't just walk away unscathed, hurt, cry, get pissed off, do something. visit www.savedarfur.org and send letter to congress and the president, tell them that it's time to step in. fall in love with a cause deeper than ourselves so that we can all stand up and mean it when we say "we've had enough."

10 days!

so i am going to be a wife in 10 days. this is big. i've never been a wife, i'm pretty excited about figuring it out. you'd think that time would be flying by with how busy i am but time continues to crawl. on a side note does anyone ever watch the local news? it is amazingly bad. to day the top story- a man was going too fast in his motorcycle and then crashed. riveting, be sure to tune in 5:00 on channel 7.
so back to the marriage thing. i really want to be married, which is good since i will be next friday. there is no real point to this email other than just repeat over and over that i'm getting married next friday.
today i ran into erin johnson in the union and we talked about how we never blog, well look at me now erin, i'm typin' away!
i'm excited about the reception that will follow my wedding, i think it's going to be a pretty happening party, so bring your dancing shoes, and your cash, cause we couldn't afford an open bar. well, i'm going to stop rambling, t minus 10 days, and counting.

yay TEAMWORK!

i was talking to the lovely erin johnson bright and early at our community group friday morning, and she was talking about the grove raising up entire teams to go to the mission field together; an idea that i have often thought of but had lost hope in. everyday i pray about God sending stephen and i out to the people He has made us passionate about. i think of going with a group of people i already know and trust, people that God has brought together before ever sending us out. but over the last few months i've lost hope in that thought because it seems like everyone i talk to already has it planned out where they want to go, none of which are the place i want to go. but talking to erin the other day i saw how wrong i was to have thought this and it was a burden lifted off my heart. i trust that God has called stephen and i to the bengali people and he will provide for us and protect us, but somehow i'd thought that He wouldn't be able to raise people up here to send with us. oh the stupid things i let satan convince me of. anyway, i was remembering how excited i would get when i was very first thinking about going and how when i prayed about it i saw stephen and i with other people from here, it might just be my wishful thinking, but it also might be God calling us to go to the nations as the body of Christ and live lives that are exemplary of Him, serving, worshiping and caring for each other. so, please pray with me about God raising up a team that is willing and excited to go and serve together.

and on that note of being excited to go, do you ever just lay in your bed and cry because God has you here, an your heart wants so badly to go to the people that you love, but you can't yet and it just hurts? cause if you do we really need to talk. i feel like i'm rambling on and on about things that people don't really care about, but i know that they're out there, anyway, if you want to move to southeast asia in the next five years, let me know asap!

weddings: the anti-savings

so, i've been thinking a lot about money lately....i know, not much like me, but its taken up much of my thoughts since i stated planning my wedding. and my conclusion is weddings are freaking expensive in the u.s. but does that justify me joining in with everyone and spending an extravogant amount of money? i mean the wedding is essentially about the covenant between stephen me and God? so why am i expected to pay thousands of dollars to make it the most wonderful day of my life? eating some cake and sipping on $30 per bowl punch aren't whats making it a huge landmark in life. i'm just don't think i can have a broken heart over the 25 thousand children that starve to death everyday and justify spending $800 on a wedding dress. and am i the only one who thinks its a little outrageous that to spend 45 minutes in a church is going to cost me $600 hundred dollars? its not adding up to me how the body of Christ puts such a high price on a wedding ceremony. aren't we supposed to give without expecting anything in return? stand apart from the world? not join in the lie that good means expensive? is anyone else confused about any of this? what to do? cut the guest list, only invite close friends to save on costs? or rebel against the whole thing and just go to the court house? or just go along with what everyone else is telling me, that its ok to spend all that money on a wedding?how am i exemplifying a lifestyle of simplicity that i think believers are called to by having a wedding that is the cultural norm? and how do i help the people around me to understand this? how do i tell my parents who want to pay for all of this so that i can have a beautiful wedding, that the gift they're offering me isn't what i want or believe is right for me?feel free to answer any of the ba-zillion questions i've rambled.

so, engaged huh?

so, i'm engaged, its wierd, but good. very new to me, this getting married thing. its a great conversation starter when people as how my break was though. my ring is the greatest ring i have ever seen, no offense to the other engaged ladies, but mine is the best. the center stone is a ruby. my love for my ring is twofold:
fold 1. it is very unique, and i like unique, i do things sometimes just becuase no one else is, thats just who i am.
fold 2. the diamond industry is an unjust and rather oppressive one, so i was deffinatley ok with not having one.
another thing i like, anne antoine. she and i have been sharing a room for almost a week now and i like her more everyday. if you get a chance ask her about the oddessy of the missing panties, its a thriller.
on a completley different note, austin bell might have gotten a mammogram today.
well, thats it.
i'm no longer a blogging virgin