behild the facade

do you ever have that feeling that you've learned nothing and everything at the same time? i don't you if you do, since i might be experiencing it for the first time. i've been amazed on this trip at how nothing has been like i planned, and i feel like i haven't learned anything and had my world torn apart like i did last time i was in india, but this morning we had a really good time of journaling and prayer and i realized i have learned quite a bit, it just wasn't what i was expecting to go home with.

1. i don't know that i'll be back to calcutta like i did last time i was here. it was almost a year and half ago that i left and God had been clear that i'd be back, i assumed that meant long term. but now i'm not sure. i still want to be about justice and freedom for the poor and oppressed but as my time here ends i'm realizing that i don't have that pull on my spirit saying you're coming back.
2. i don't like indian food. i didn't like it last time i was here. i don't know why i thought that i did.
3. i am fairly outspoken about people's need to live simply, i believe that poverty is strongly related to an unequal distribution of resources, but i want to live simply in the united states, where i have hot water and no parasites, and chick-fil-a and flying burrito (mmmm). i don't' want to sell all my possessions and give them to the poor if that would make me poor. i am brutally selfish.
4. i want to help the poor but get glory for myself (ouch, but true). i want my husband to go to a prestigious law school and i'll get my masters in human trafficking so we can help poor people with our lofty degrees and special training, as God if couldn't help them without us.

these things are grossly true deep inside of me, and i want to get the hell out of india so i can stop thinking about them and go back to my comfortable bug less apartment and eat popcorn. so felt that i should confess all my crap to you, so that i don't hide it. after all, i can't lay down my selfish desires and die to them while i'm struggling to keep up the facade that they don't exist.