jenna

i'm doing an internship at ozark guidance in springdale in their inpatient children's unit. most of the doors leading outside are magnetic and only the staff have a key card to open them, but today the doors stopped working for a little while. there is a little girl who came in about a week ago who has been severely neglected. her mother fed her baby food until she was five years old and when dhs got her she couldn't eat solid food because her digestive tract and her muscles were so underdeveloped. she has reactive attachment disorder as well as post-traumatic stress syndrome. jenna*, this little girl, is now eight years old and weighs 48 lbs. she is so small and her life has been so hard.
when the doors weren't working today she made a run for it, but was caught at the last second. she was immediately put on elopement precautions. she was already scared and upset from being grabbed as she was reaching for the door, and when she was told she'd have to give up her shoes for the rest of the day and wear booties it put her over the edge. she started to scream and hitting the walls and herself. to keep her from hurting herself even more she had to be restrained. since she is so small one person could hold her in a chair with her arms down. i was in my office as all this happened. i sat trying to type progress reports for my kids and i could hear jenna screaming. it's strange to hear the high voice of child yell obscenities and racial slurs. she never cried, she is so angry.
there is only one who restores, only one who can make whole. jenna is broken, she's been hurt and abused, she's been neglected and starved. who will tell her it will be ok, she'll get better, there are people she can trust, who will love her and protect her. there is a father who's heart breaks for her.
she isn't in my group of kids, i never meet with her, not that i am allowed to tell her about jesus. i pray for her. let her foster family love the lord. i love my job, but it sucks sometimes.


*name changed for confidentiality

HOLY SONNET X

Death, be not proud, though some have called thee
Mighty and dreadful, for thou art not so ;
For those, whom thou think'st thou dost overthrow,
Die not, poor Death, nor yet canst thou kill me.
From rest and sleep, which but thy picture[s] be,
Much pleasure, then from thee much more must flow,
And soonest our best men with thee do go,
Rest of their bones, and soul's delivery.
Thou'rt slave to Fate, chance, kings, and desperate men,
And dost with poison, war, and sickness dwell,
And poppy, or charms can make us sleep as well,
And better than thy stroke ; why swell'st thou then ?
One short sleep past, we wake eternally,
And Death shall be no more ; Death, thou shalt die.

John Donne

malakai continued

my nephew....

yes, he was born with a fauxhawk.

6lbs 11oz, he's a little guy.

he loves me.

he had a little jaundice so we had to set him in the sun every day, which was so cute.

Malakai Andrew Dangers

after an exhausting trip home from india on friday my only sister, who lives in colorado springs went into labor with her first baby. so saturday morning i climbed in the backseat of my parents car and we fought our way through the ice and snow for about 15 hours to see my sister and precious little nephew. it has been hard to be away from home when i'm so tired and to be away from stpehen when i'm trying to process through my trip, but worth it to see my nephew and sister. i'm flying home tomorrow, (praise God for cheap flights at the last minute!) and really looking forward to seeing my friends. i just thought i'd post one picture for now, more are sure to come later. this is malakai andrew dangers just after he was born on saturday morning.

check out his hair!

behild the facade

do you ever have that feeling that you've learned nothing and everything at the same time? i don't you if you do, since i might be experiencing it for the first time. i've been amazed on this trip at how nothing has been like i planned, and i feel like i haven't learned anything and had my world torn apart like i did last time i was in india, but this morning we had a really good time of journaling and prayer and i realized i have learned quite a bit, it just wasn't what i was expecting to go home with.

1. i don't know that i'll be back to calcutta like i did last time i was here. it was almost a year and half ago that i left and God had been clear that i'd be back, i assumed that meant long term. but now i'm not sure. i still want to be about justice and freedom for the poor and oppressed but as my time here ends i'm realizing that i don't have that pull on my spirit saying you're coming back.
2. i don't like indian food. i didn't like it last time i was here. i don't know why i thought that i did.
3. i am fairly outspoken about people's need to live simply, i believe that poverty is strongly related to an unequal distribution of resources, but i want to live simply in the united states, where i have hot water and no parasites, and chick-fil-a and flying burrito (mmmm). i don't' want to sell all my possessions and give them to the poor if that would make me poor. i am brutally selfish.
4. i want to help the poor but get glory for myself (ouch, but true). i want my husband to go to a prestigious law school and i'll get my masters in human trafficking so we can help poor people with our lofty degrees and special training, as God if couldn't help them without us.

these things are grossly true deep inside of me, and i want to get the hell out of india so i can stop thinking about them and go back to my comfortable bug less apartment and eat popcorn. so felt that i should confess all my crap to you, so that i don't hide it. after all, i can't lay down my selfish desires and die to them while i'm struggling to keep up the facade that they don't exist.